Bad Decisions

I am in the process of making some bad decisions. Well, I would like to think I am just the victim of circumstance and that I am justified in my bad decisions. But here they are. I have decided to quit working out at least the last two weeks. I have also decided to quit my diet at least the last two weeks. I have also decided to depress more at least the last two weeks. It is interesting that I can always come up with excusses to get off track. Here I am so what do I do?

One...I start walking again tomorrow here in Arkansas. Two....I start my better selection and quantities of food today. Three....I talk about what issues I am facing now. I want to do that in this blog.

I am still trying to be the financial super star for my entire family and church family. I am trying to be the source for everyone from my grandchildren to my churches bus fund to my brothers retirement. Why am I doing that? For some reason I have this messiah complex. God help me to know what to do today. I feel I have to make up the losses and some people are patient and others are not. God I need wisdom. I am lost.

I am still trying to be all things to all people and to try to help everyone. God help me to know what to do today for ministries sake.

The best decision I made today is to write in this blog. I am motivated more now.

Sometimes I feel neglected. Help me to deal with my own neglect by being a servant to those I seek support from.

God bail me out again. Help me to know my territory and your territory. Help me to live in my territory and no where else.

Goals For The New Week

This summer I went to Six Flags with our students. One of my men suggested I ride with him on one of the more aggressive personal torture chambers that spin, twist and go upside down called a "ride." I did it. All I can say is that when I touched the ground the first words out of my mouth were "I'm glad that is over."

Today I am glad that Sunday is over. It was quite a ride for me emotionally. Marriage counseling, preaching without Laurie present (she was on call and had to go to work), an intervention with a family in the community, two emotion filled meetings (at least for me they were) that I made it through without a major blow up* (my goal) and finally home to bed and the continuing episode of the Unit.

I am going to a peer learning community monthly meeting today. I am currently reading the assignment and answering the thought questions. I want to get back to a more consistent work out. Last week only two days. The week before only two days in five. I want to get back to at least three days. Today is the key.

However, I want to rethink Sunday. There were some things that happened that were encouraging. One, a couple, young couple, came in just before the evening meeting and she had made Laurie and I a care package. It was a basket with a candle, book, fuzzy bear and a card of appreciation. A gift first to come from this couple. It was a surprise. I did not know I meant so much to them. Also, I received a call from a former Heroin addict that our church "helped." We had some hard words at one time. I thought I alienated her. She used us at one time and I was gullible. She was saying thank you and telling me she was moving to Montana to be with her daughter and grandchildren. I will call her today that I am in a better frame of mind. I also think I helped to save some students from a potentially devastating if not life threatening situation. It created suffering for me, (I am hated) but hopefully help for them. We will see.

I received affirmation at the dreaded meetings from a person whose opinion is my litmus test for my current ministry. Someone with my backside. I also see God working through a process with His facilities at the church. Perhaps "Upwards Basketball." Yea. The jury is out.

This week I plan to do some sermon planning on Tuesday (I am not preaching this week). I finished Acts on Sunday evening and will decide what to do next. I also plan to get the printed material information to Chuck for the outreach in March. That will take some time. I will also work on follow-up on the scheduled appearances at the schools and neighborhoods. I am seeking about two men to represent our church at a meeting on Thursday. I am also wanting to visit some of our neglected nursing home people. In addition to that I would like to enlist at least 20 people to make 10 calls each to invite people to the revival with George Brock on Sunday.

Personally I want to do Andrew's taxes and start on mine. Get information for Jack on his taxes, a painful experience because of the down turn in the market. I have to once again suffer the losses for the year. I will take off on Wednesday with Laurie. She is going to Texas for a shower for our daughter on Sunday. I can't go. I want to read Romans, Leviticus, Numbers and Deuteronomy. I would also like to play golf on one day.

This entire hodgepodge has helped me to think about the week. I am content.



* I had to get up a few times and get more water or go to the bathroom to force my mind to go other places.

Sleep Is Overrated

I am not sleeping like a baby tonight. As a matter of fact it is 3:32 a.m. and I am stressing over the events of this day. I dread being back at my ministry setting because I am hurt and disappointed in myself and in the leadership of my church. We have allowed the enemy to get us sidetracked, distracted and off task.

The thing that hurts me the most about it is that the innocent, lost and needy suffer even more when the soldiers of the cross focus on trivia, self interests, isolationism and protectionism.

The message God gave me this week is right, good and on the right subject of making the right decisions in life. There are at least four people in line for baptism and I hope at least two of them will be baptized in this morning's service. That is the purpose of our existence. I will get to encounter the main stream people who are really the reason I am there. They are the misfits, hurt, hang-up driven and habit bound people who just need a word from God and an encouragement from His minister. They will get that from Him and from me. I refuse to get distracted on that front.

Then there are the other things. I am not sure what to do about that. I am in a quandry and need help. I feel all alone. I feel on a limb. I feel rejected. I feel punished. I feel beat down. When I write this I plan to read through Psalms for some insight. Perhaps these are feelings of my own making and they will pass with time. Perhaps these are feelings of God's Spirit telling me something I don't want to hear. Perhaps these are feelings of powerful motivation that will drive me deeper into my relationship with the Father.

On television above my desk is a worship video reflecting the psalms with a flowing stream in the background. What will it say next to me? I want to hear. Is there something for me? There is now snow and a path in the forest. Classical christian music is playing. It is piano music. I can just see Laurie's dad playing the piano, or Laurie or Andrew. It is beautiful. God is speaking to me.

"This is the gift of God. He will not swell unduly on the days of his life, because God keeps him busy with the joy of his heart." Ecclesiastes 5 Text on the screen.

Interesting. No need to "swell unduly on the days of my life" so I need to keep busy with the joy of my heart. That is good to know today. The joy of my heart is sharing Jesus, speaking His word, meeting new people, loving my family, building leaders, encouraging others. That is what I will do.

I still want to be just the chaplain of 29th street. God help me to visit my flock. God help open new doors for my personal ministry. I can't wait to make that first visit this week. God open my mind and heart to the opportunities You will give to me. Thank you for the joy that the thought of this brings.

Now I feel peace and am sleepy again. God magnify my rest so I will be ready later today for what you have for me. I know it will be good.

Revive us again. That is the song now. That is my prayer. Revive me again. Thanks for doing that. Thanks for the group singing. Thanks for the music video at 4:03. What an encouragement.

Now I will sleep. Thanks.

Making Ham Out of Hog

I was in Southwestern Oklahoma this past week and saw something I have only heard people talk about. I saw a wild hog. Yes, and it was in the daylight. It was big. It had tusks. It seemed mean. It was easing through a cotton field.

It looked like the hog of the prarie. It was alone and I felt sorry for it for a while. A hog all alone on the prarie. Perhaps it deserved to be alone. Perhaps it was just being a hog. It had a face only a mother could love and perhaps that is why it is alone. However, I have never seen a pretty pig even the domesticated kind. I know because my daughter and I used to raise them for FFA in Davis and Tuttle, Oklahoma.

Ranchers here hate these guys because they will kill small calves. They also root up good crops and destroy a good lawn. To them the only good wild hog is a dead one.

On this valentines day, I am glad not to be alone although at times I act like a hog. I am selfish most of the time and think I can do things by myself that should take help from others. I am a consumer. I am a scavenger. I am a nusance. I am a loner.

My counterpart has been my perfect mate. She is happy, optimistic, realistic, scientific and most of the time patient with the likes of me. She is not materialistic. She is a great mother. She is a great role model. She is my partner. She is my counselor. She is my best friend. I would never think of doing anything that would disappoint her. She is part of the reason I live. She helps me make it through the tough days and is the one I look forward to seeing every day. When I get depressed I want to be with her. When I choose to depress with no where else to go I just go to the hospital with a book and know she is near.

I trust her prayer life and know that much that has happened in ministry and through our children is because of her prayers. She never gets depressed or at least I never know it. She does not hold grudges. She has a forgetter that works very well. She is also a ham at times. And that is different than a hog.

I am just glad she likes a hog like me. She must be a little blind as well. She can make a ham out of a hog.

She is the one in red.

Moses And Me

I have been teaching from Exodus at SLBC and at a church all week in Southwest Oklahoma. It has been a rich experience for me. I got to spend time with two of my favorite people Richard and Shelly Manning and to meet some of the finest people in the world at Corinth Baptist Church. I am mentally and physically tired but resting today. I will be ready tomorrow.

Tomorrow I will preach twice, meet with Deacons and budget and finance team (the most important meetings of my ministry here) and I will counsel with a couple having marriage difficulties at 2:00. I will also finish readings for a Monday meeting (perhaps I can do that and walk at the Y at the same time). Monday, I will know more about what God's direction might be in 2010. I think it will be a confirmation of SLBC. Also, Monday I am able to meet with my pastoral learning community and bounce some things off of these ministry collegues. This is a time of renewal and transitions.

Moses and I are very similar. I have learned from Moses that confrontation and anger are counterproductive no matter how justified in your mind. I have also learned from him that when you lead that you will create conflict, discomfort, reactions and disillusionment. However, you will create progress, direction and constructive change. Change agents are always unpopular. Moses was charged with getting Egypt out of the people. They rebelled. I would rebell also. That is to be expected. God delivered them from Egypt but Moses was responsible for performing an "Egyptectomy" on these sojourners. God gave him some laws, covenant applications and a tabernacle to die for.

I have also learned from Moses that the best route is not always the easiest. God led the people the long route not the short cut. They had to face the river, the growling stomach, the dry throat, the sour water and the desperation of survival. They had to face the loss of a leader possibility when Moses was on the mountain. Moses was dissappointed. The people became fickle. Moses was both strong and weak. He saw God face to face but blew up at the people's rebellion. He was human and had a taste of the divine that no man to this point had experienced outside of Adam and Eve.

Moses made a decision in Egypt that lasted his entire life. He decided to refuse to be called the Pharoah's heir. He choose the underdogs. He choose to be himself. He choose his roots. He did the unconventional, the unfamiliar and the unusual. He chose sides with the losers, entered unfamiliar territory and challenged the establishment. He decided to be himself under God. I want to do that.

How to be myself? I must choose to side with the losers. I choose people who are sold out to Jesus who appear to be impractical, foolish and otherworldly. I want to enter the unfamiliar territory of God's will that may lead me to be more agressive, selective and intentional in ministry. It may lead me to be closer to people and less concerned about things. It may lead me to be less materialistic and more humanistic (in the proper way). I may lead me to challenge the establishment when it involves God's ways. I want to know His ways to follow Him.

I will never get there but I am closer than I was last week. Exodus has set me free. I plan to read Numbers, Leviticus and Deuteronomy to learn more. I don't think I will ever be the same.